hi lisad,

I take from your post that you have been getting meds from your internist or general practitioner. I did that for about 6 years until this past summer on the theory that I thought since pdocs seem to be basically following a pretty set script when they prescribe and felt like my internist could just as easily do this. I think going to my internist instead of my pdoc helped me with my denial too that I had a chronic disease.

I hear you saying something different--that you couldn't go the pdoc unless referred by your regular doctor. I think going to a pdoc might really help, as I think it is unrealistic to think general doctors can keep up with psych medicine as well as general practice. I hope you get some good help.

I can"t imagine how upsetting it is to have your daughter call someone else Mom. But from this past December to February, I was obsessed with the idea that I should send my daughter to my sister=in=law's because I was not any good for her with the course of my bipolar disorder. I didn't --but there may come a day again when I will need to-I hope I can remember what I now say to you: it's a courageous decision to admit we aren't always the best ones to take care of our children. ((((lisa))))

I know what it's like to feel to believe no one understands. My husband didn't really understand why I wanted to do send our daughter away, but he works so much, I didn't feel that his otherwise general steadiness was enough to offset my frequent emotional unavailability to my daughter. My pdoc and therapist did not see the need for me to send my daughter away, so since they were not "involved" so to speak, I trusted their judgment-for now.

There have been times when I thought everyone would be better off if I just took some money out of our bank account and disappeared.

I feel fortunate that a previous therapist completely dashed my longtime obsession with suicide, including 3 attempts--the last one nearly succeeded.
She told me my daughter's risk of suicide when she grew up would zoom if I did such a thing.

I am very glad your mom understands, Lots of people here at psychcentral understand and are very supportive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Meta