Hi all, just joined, this is my first post.

I've been diagnosed as bipolar for about 9 years now and I've been very stable for about the last 3. I'm on lithium and a host of other things, but the lithium is really what turned everything around for me. For the longest time it felt so amazing to be stable that I didn't care that I didn't have my manic times, but I'm starting to worry that I'll never be happy again. I'm not depressed (well I am sometimes), I'm just fine. I go out with people and I like talking to them and I like my life but it's completely lacking any of that exuberant feeling that used to come from within myself and just made me feel alive and excited.

I don't even mean the extreme frenzied mania, just the milder feeling of being energetic and capable and just happy basically. It was a feeling that back in the day I didn't even associate with my bipolar disorder, it was just contentment from a fun day out with friends or a little surge of joy after something went right at school/work. I never thought of it as extreme then, I mean I definitely had way more extremely elated manic moods, I just thought of it as being happy. Just normal person happy.

But I haven't felt that way for years now. I don't even know myself now. I used to be very creative and fun to be around, and I knew some of that would go away with treatment, but I guess I thought after a while of being "normal" it would come back somewhat. A lot of what I felt defined my personality is gone and I'm slowly realizing that it is going to stay gone.

I just finished my first year of grad school and everyone here likes me and thinks I'm sorta fun, but it's nothing compared to how I used to be. When I'm around my old friends I can tell that I'm not as interesting as I used to be. I used to be so fun and clever, and I'm not expecting to be the life of the party again, I just thought that after being stable a while some of my personality would come back.

I'm afraid to adjust my meds because overall this mix has worked really really well for me and overall my quality of life is very good now. But I miss being actually happy instead of everything just being pleasant. Is this it? Is this how I'm going to feel forever now?

Too long, sorry! Thanks for any advice!