Hi silver, good to see you back. If I'm overusing the trigger notation, forgive me. I'd rather overuse it than underuse it and I do use graphic language.

Richard the Creep is free to go where he will. Freer than I am. Until something nasty happens to me, Richard isn't going anywhere. So it is I that will have to find another group to hang with, because I am not giving him a chance to turn vicious on me. All he has done is made a few inappropriate comments, cursed me out and chased me across the street to do it. He may not be violent at all and yet I am terrified of him. Why?

I have to find another meditation group. That means there will be stairs to face and pain to deal with. That may mean I will have no group at all. That is what I meant when I said Richard was freer than I was.

Doug and Father Lindsay already know about this guy. Doug can't do anything from 500 miles out but notified Father Lindsay about him without asking me. He has done that at least twice about certain things. I was so mad at first. Now I just notify them both when something ugly is going on, not because I trust Father Linday so much, but because Doug would rat me out anyway and I want to save him the trouble. Anyway, for some things I don't want to be in a state of mortal sin.

It's turning out to be a bad day. Smokey may be hurt after all. He's been growling at Jessie all day. My cathethar's been leaking so I had to call a nurse. And Father Lindsay's away all day. So I'm not sure if he's going to be able to confront Richard tonight. I'm not nuts enough to do it myself. I had a letter typed up with all the reasons why I shouldn't start a sexual relationship with him, none of which were "Father Lindsay and I think you may be dangerous." Like "after the trauma of being cathetharized month after month, I don't want a man touching me."

I wasn't that elaborate, but I did tell him in the letter that I needed help, and that getting help for that problem was not a priority at the moment. I was going to tell him that I was not going to force the issue for him or anyone else, but when I was ready.

I know cathetharization isn't supposed to be a big deal for most disabled people. But for me, it is. It is very invasive and therefore, very traumatic. I'm sick of the nurse getting that close of a look at a part of me that I was taught to be ashamed of.

So since I am flipping out at all this, there must be something wrong with me. I would hope Richard would understand and set his sights on and find someone else who's a little less screwed up, someone who would appreciate his crude comments, if he "loves" and "respects" me like he says he does.

If he sees that letter and curses me out, then he really is a creep.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.