No apologies necessary. Welcome to PC.

Lithium can sometimes be a little deadening. I quit it for that reason and a whole host of terrible side effects. However it is a good drug that has helped a lot of people. I can understand not wanting to jump on the med merry go round again. If I ever find that stabilizing combination I won't be looking for change either.

Except I know I would because I totally get what you're saying. It's almost like we have a super power we can tap into but we are not allowed to do it. But we also tend to forget how bad things really were then. I mean I do at least. Which is why I write so much - I look back and all the panic and fear and weirdness is written in my own hand so I can see what it was like.

I don't think life has to be just ok. If you don't want a med change then the next best thing is to find something you're passionate about and go for it. If I get stabilize for a good amount of time I will be spending time volunteering for nami or doing anti suicide walks. Maybe fostering kittens again. Anything to give me the pure joy of mania without the danger.

I think it will get better. Someone in my group the other week said it best: "I'll never be the person I was before all of this. That person is gone. Now I can only strive to be some even better than I was before". That helped me so much.

This is definitely not it.