I also know all too well what you speak of.

Lithium at first seemed like a godsend, but then my side effects actually worsened over time (instead of improved) and at the end of the day I just couldn't stand living a watered down version of my life. It was more like watching my life than actually experiencing it.So even if it didn't make me retarded and a host of other things ( I responded reallly badly to it ) I still would've flushed it because I hated not feeling like me, not recognising me. I missed me terribly, and so did my loved ones...

I'm in no position to advise you, lol I'm an "irresponsible bipolar" who flushed her meds partly because they killed her soul and I've never looked back.

Just wanted you to know I hear you