Hello inkyj: I'm not going to offer you any solutions to your dilemma. I am one of those old people you don't want to become & I've asked myself the same questions over-&-over. I never get any useful answers. From my perspective life just is what it is. There's no rhyme or reason to anything. Each one of us just makes the best of whatever happens to fall our way. This probably sounds bad. But sometimes I think we cause ourselves more grief by trying to figure out why our lives haves turned out as they have, or wishing they could be different. Personally I find it easier to just accept that everything is a coincidence & it is what it is. I hope you can find your way through your current difficulties.