Thanks for all the advice. My mum has suggested I hire a cleaning service, but I won't let strangers see my place looking like this. Maybe AFTER I get it cleaned up, I'll do that.

My mum is quite messy and disorganized and when I was a kid I did most of the housework. I was cleaning up after her constantly. I just couldn't stand the clutter. It really bothered me and I couldn't relax if my surroundings weren't tidy. Now, she comes here to visit, and this place is too messy even for HER. So, it's gotta be bad. She tries to clean up and that upsets me. I get very irritated and tell her to leave things alone. I'm afraid she'll put something where I can't find it. I don't want her to clean it up at all. I don't want her to even acknowledge it. I feel like I need to do it myself and there's obviously something WRONG with me that I let it get this bad... and someone else (like her) noticing it and trying to fix it makes me angry... because it's not the messy flat that needs to be fixed. It's ME. I need to fix myself so that I can be neat and tidy like I was all my life (up until 3 years ago).

Anyway, sorry for going on and on about this so much. I know it's so minor compared to what a lot of people are going through... and it seems so stupid. I shouldn't find it this hard. When I got home from work today, I decided I would just start cleaning the bedroom. I got overwhelmed so quickly, though. I have one closet and it's the width of a regular door and it's already full, so I don't know where to put all the clothes that are hung over the door, strewn all over the floor and the dresser, and in the hallway... so I started crying and then took a 2 hour nap because I don't want to think about it or look at it. I keep wishing I had just ONE extra room... but I know that if I did I would probably still feel like I don't have enough room and it would be a disaster too.

Thanks for the advice on healthy frozen food, Jax. I try to eat the healthy ones most of the time. There's a brand here called Blue Menu that's tasty and healthy, so that's what I usually buy. I often get take-out for dinner too -- from a Lebanese place -- healthy stuff like lentils, rice and hummus. I only eat once a day, though, and I drink way too much coffee and I smoke, so I want to change those things. I would like to get to the point where I could fix myself soup for dinner, but at this point, I can't make myself use a pot or a bowl (I use plastic utensils) because I don't want to have any dirty dishes... because I know I won't wash them. I need to get my kitchen cleaned up to the point where there's ROOM to open a can of soup too. Ugh. I used to be the OPPOSITE of this... so incredibly neat and meticulous.

P.S. Just a thought I had. Is it possible that I keep this place so messy ON PURPOSE? Am I creating this obstacle for myself to keep people out of my safe place? I have anxiety about opening mail and checking voicemail when I'm at home (and I never answer the phone) and I know that's because I don't want things from the outside coming in here -- makes me feel out of control. This problem with messiness STARTED when I had begun to make significant steps in recovering from agoraphobia. I was starting to get back in the outside world and not needing to be here in my safe place all the time. It started a few months before I went back to work... so it wasn't a TIME issue. I had plenty of time on my hands. The better I have gotten in terms of the agoraphobia and anxiety, the messier my flat has become and the more disorganized my home-life has become. During the 4 years when I had agoraphobia and severe panic attacks and was too afraid to go outside, my flat was always perfectly neat and tidy. Is it possible I'm subconsciously creating this huge mental block for myself as a way (and an excuse) to keep people OUT of here?