Going to bed each night is becoming a struggle. Kind if funny because I spend almost all day of every day I have at home sleeping because I've found that often, being awake is too painful. For some reason, this same pain keeps me awake every night.

Why did I send that text?
Why didn't they text me back?
Why didn't I sign up for that class?
Why did I buy those things online?
Why didn't i do that today?

Then I start to run through scenarios in my mind. The five most major times that people pointed out my temper issue. My therapist telling me how well I've done. My therapist suggesting I ever had an academic problem as opposed to simply struggling due to depression. My therapist not having time for me. My mother not wanting me to go to the therapist because she thinks it makes me wallow. Why did I scratch my arm last week, what was going on and how did it leave a scar? Will other people notice it? What if my father dies and never apologizes for my abuse in childhood? Why don't any of my friends understand me? Why can't I be happy like other people? I think of quotes, "Today I choose happiness" and "I believe happy girls are the prettiest" good god, all I can think about when I lay down to go to bed is all that I've done wrong in my life, how much I hate myself, and how unlovable I am. I've been crying to sleep every night and if I'm not crying, I feel a weight on my chest and I feel like I'm struggling for air. Why am I reminded of how much I hate myself every single night? What can I do to make it stop? I try to tell myself forget about every past interaction I've had with a person but it always comes back and I don't think I can handle it.