I'm sorry that you had such a hard weekend with the urges..also sorry that someone said that hurtful thing. SI is sooo not just about self esteem or bad...it is just a sign that the internal pain level is above your ability to cope with at the moment. I hope you reach out to your T or the dontcut 800 number or the SI prevention boards as well. It is SOOO hard to reach out when you've gotten to that point. Kudos to you for reaching out here too. Keep working on that list of things to do to distract or redirect that internal anger. I would never want you to feel shame coming here or anywhere else. So many people make ignorant assumptions.. I tend to write a lot when I get to this point and wrote some poetry or journaling that tends to help get swirling thoughts and shame spirals a bit more under control.
They are hard to get out of at times and I certainly understand how hard it is to sit in the pain....
Gentle hugs,
- WB