I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this difficult time with your family. You're asking very good questions.

I've worked extensively with people who have had trouble with the law and I can tell you why some of them turned themselves in. As strange as it sounds, many people who break the law actually have high moral standards. They're not career criminals. If they steal or cheat, they feel shame, guilt and fear. They worry that a year or five years from now, there will be a knock on the door and it will be the police. Every day their conscience haunts them. They know they did wrong. The tension and emotional pain can become unbearable. They turn themselves in to get it over with and so they can start out again with a clean slate. Sometimes they turn themselves in so they can get help with addictions or gambling or emotional problems that may have contributed to their law-breaking.

Your dad may ... and I don't really know if this is the case ... but he may think visiting your mom in jail would be an educational experience for you because some years back there was a popular concept called Scared Straight, where teenagers were taken to see what it was like in jail. The idea was that kids would see how terrible it was and it would scare them out of ever getting in trouble. Unfortunately, later research showed it didn't work out that way. Kids who participated in Scared Straight ended up being less scared of jail than other teenagers. But that didn't get any publicity. If you can talk to your dad, you might ask him what he means.

Each jail has it's own rules about visiting. Sometimes you meet in a big room with lots of other people and sometimes you have more privacy, but you don't really get to spend time alone. Jails have visiting hours that you have to abide by. If you show up early or late, you won't get in. Because you are a minor, you would probably have to be accompanied by your dad or another adult relative.

In my opinion, the only reason for a 14 year old girl to visit a parent serving a six month sentence would be if you really really want to see your mom. If you really want to see her, you will find something to say when you're there. It may feel awkward at first, but the words will come as long as you can muster up a smile when you see her.

When people asked me what I thought about taking children and teenagers to jail to visit someone, I said it depended on the length of the sentence. For six months, I'd usually recommend against it, unless there was a major emotional or health crisis of some kind. At age 14, it's all right if you go. And it's all right if you don't go.

It would be kind of you to snail mail your mother cards and letters frequently so that she knows you are thinking about her. Getting little notes in the mail would give her something to look forward to and could help her feel better. You can probably find out how to do that on-line by looking up the facility where she is. Or ask you dad to find out for you. Most jails have strict rules about mail that you would have to follow. The rules mostly have to do with not including extra things in the letters.

It's also nice that you can talk to your mom on the phone. It's not at all weird that you now feel more comfortable talking to your mom about anything. You both know she made a pretty big mistake. If you talk to her about any problems or worries or mistakes you make, it's like you're on more equal ground. It's possible you're less worried about her punishing you so you feel more open. When I was young, the main reason I didn't tell my mother about some of the things I was up to was because I was worried about being punished. If that worry was lifted, talking would have been so much easier. Maybe that's what's going on between you and your mom right now.

You sound pretty darn brave and strong and smart. Your questions are all good. Hang in there and I hope when your mom comes home, you'll all be able to re-adjust as a family and have good times together again.