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Originally Posted by bumble2u
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Spent last few months working on an  art show to raise money for mental health org. Feel totally wasted ,and now all those bad thoughts are here. Cannot stop thinking about how to end this. Feel absolutely at my end.really hurt, even when my friend is thanking me for work i did for him. Wanted to cry in his arms but of course I would never do that. Just gone cold instead. As usual cold in my heart. composed in-front of others . I don't think i have anything left to offer. I'm supposed to be under ACT now, i guess i could call but who want's to listen to a whiny *****. I really am not sure how I can get through. I have so much work I still have to do and no energy unless i ditch my pills then I would. Just want to disappear. sorry for miserable post. |
Hi Bumble. I find staying focused on a single task helps me not think about me or where I am at. So even though I am breaking inside I can ignore that if I can distract....and a good destraction is helping others as you have been doing.
But it hasn't removed the battle in your head, just changed your focus, hence being so tired cause you have still been battling - just in the background rather than full frontal. You have done something truly wonderful in giving to someone else, yet you probably wish someone was putting that much energies and effort into helping you....I know yhats how I would feel. Spend your last cent helping the homeless and you expect karma to help you back type thing.
Cold at heart could be you protecting yourself......no exposure is no embarrassing self, no explanation required, everything is ok so don't ask. It's just easier. You probably don't have anything left yo offer atm....doinds like you gave this project your all...don't beat up on yourself for running out puff... sounds like anyone would. Personaaly I have just come off seroquel and found it one of the worst zombifying and self motivation sapping drugs I have ever been on. Well done for battling through thst....It made me just want yo ignore the world till I got do angry with my inaction that I would fly off and rant and race around till I was exhausted.
Most of all, there is no shame where there is no choice, you didn't choose what you suffer from and yet you find it within youself to give time and energy to others. If anything I commend you and say well dine. But you've run yourself empty and now need some downtime- be ok with that.....the nervous high energy you probably been running on can only last do long....give yourself a break.
Hugs
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