I don't know why but talking about this almost causes me more shame then the "real" stuff that was going on. Anyways it won't go away so maybe I need to sort it out finally. Here goes........


MTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMT





I was being abused most nights and wkends by someone from the age of 6-12. This person was a teenager and I badly wanted him to be my friend. My adoptive parents were very emotionally distant and I wanted to be loved.

I was never dragged into what happened between me and "him" infact sometimes I looked forward to it. I got excited at the thought of being special.

The only times I remember feeling really bad about what was happening was when "he" would do "dirty" things. Would put things inside me that were dirty. I didnt like that but just didn't protest against it at all.

When I was at sch during play times I always wanted to play a game where I was kidnapped and tied up and stripped naked and the kidnappers would want to "do" things to me. I got excited over playing this game. I would be afraid that my playmates would see that I was enjoying it to much.

It was important in my mind that it always looked as if I was against what was happening to me, but infact I wanted it.

I still, some 30plus yrs later feel shame and confusion over this game. I spend more time feeling shame over that than the "real" stuff that was going on outside of sch.

Does this make sense to anyone??