I kind of had a brief break from my self destructive thoughts earlier this evening. It seemed like as soon as I noticed this I started thinking them again. Typical. My bf is trying to keep up with everything, all my appointments, how I'm feeling. Normally he kind of leaves me to it, trusts that things are going ok. This whole thing is really draining him, I can see it. I hate doing this to him. I feel like a horrible person putting him through this (because obviously I can choose this..) and I do genuinely feel like he would be better off without me. Without the stress of me. He could be in a normal relationship with someone who he doesn't need to worry about every time he leaves the house. He can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this.

Where does this leave me? In the same place I have been the majority of each week for the last two months. In a dark suicidal place. Where I just want to somehow try and sort things out a little so that there wouldn't be so much of a mess left behind. But I also don't have the energy to do that. I can't even get on top of everything at work to make things easier because I'm working less hours atm anyway. I was trying to sort out the housework a little but I don't have the motivation for that either.

I am just contemplating constantly. What the right circumstances are, when the right time is, how to make sure I get it right.

I can't keep doing this...