seems like you are torn you said 'i want to be how she was to us' i'd have a go at rising above that , otherwise you are repeating stuff ,a lot of people have a lot of sadness behind their resentments.caring for your mum sounds like a 24 hour 7 day a week job --no human being can do that without a price to pay,are there services that can help with her care, and what about others in the family? i used to be the one in my family who did all the caring and rescuing --no more.you have needs to , i hope you make a decision that is right for you