So I am sure I have tired everyone endless with my posts about my giant crush on one of my former professors. First off, I am sorry that I have posted on this numerous times and I by no means intend to annoy anyone. This has just gotten to the point where I need to tell myself to end it. After giving into my bad impulses and looking her up, I found out that she is married. This just made me super depressed and I now feel very empty on the inside. I further found out that she was in a band with her husband and ended up checking out some videos I found. Something about it just made me feel very down. It just made me feel like wow, I really did have so much in common with this woman. We played the same genre of music so now I am just regretting never talking to her about this (even though I just found out she is a musician). The more I keep finding out about this band of her's, the more depressed I am becoming about my own life, and my own time being in a band.

My band ended up moving on without me when I started taking school more seriously, and now I am completely apathetic about playing music and the thought of picking up an instrument is unappealing to me. This makes me very sad as music used to be my whole life and my one true passion. Now it's just a memory.

Seeing how successful my professor's band was just makes me feel regretful about not being as engaged as I should have been in my band, and what my life would be like now if I were still playing music. I keep trying to compare myself to her, trying to tell myself, I was just as successful a musician as her! But this is just childish of me, as I am just trying to protect my ego. Now I just keep comparing myself to her husband. So maybe I never was a successful musician, or have a phd like he does, but why must I feel so bad about myself? I just feel like I'm not even good enough to talk to her, and now I'm just feeling really bad about the things I've done recent years or never accomplished. Honestly, as immature as it sounds, the idea of her being married just pains me, and I am really struggling with how to get over this. I have been a sloth this past week, and have little motivation to do anything productive. I need to be applying for internships and preparing for graduate school, but my motivation and drive is just completely shot.

Any thought that doesn't involve her just seems unappealing. How do I move on? I am really struggling with this here. As tempting as it is, I know further looking her up online is not going to help, and only make things worse. I wish there were just a switch I could shut off, so I could get over this and just move on with my life. I don't know what this is all means, was this infatuation just a reflection of my own ego/self esteem issues? Am I just trying to fill some void in my life? I know I need to work on my own personal issues myself, and that only I can solve them, but I am really just struggling to get back on the path here.

I'm only 21 and just graduated from college a week ago, yet I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis.