Quote:
Originally Posted by Idiot17
I want to give in, in an extreme way. I want to see all the gore, all the torn tissue, all the blood oozing out. I want to lay limp with exhaustion after the cutting session. Simple blood and cuts don't do it for me.So what's stopping me? The need is so great, my whole body is trembling with the need to release it. I want to stay in one place all months long and just sit and carve and tear and destroy. Until there is nothing more to destroy. It's the only time i can actually feel something other then sadness
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I'm so sorry you feel this way, Idiot17. But I understand the feeling. In the past I was a head banger to the point where I damaged my hearing & developed a torn retina in one eye. My ears now whistle all the time (Tinnitus) & I have a condition that is referred to as: Meniere's Disease which affects my balance. But it could be even worse than it is. And bashing my head again the way I used to, would undoubtedly make it worse... to the point where I simply couldn't stand to exist any longer. (There's no cure.) So even though I ache to do it again, I cannot. The consequences could be both devastating & deadly.
I don't know why this happens. But for some reason, for those of us who are self-abusive, we have the need to keep doing more-&-more of what we do to ourselves. It's addictive... not unlike alcohol & drugs. I hope you are getting some help with your compulsion. I do think, based on my own experience, that pent-up anxiety plays a role in self-harm. And, of course, just as you mentioned in your post, the need to self-harm can also create even more anxiety all by itself when it goes unfulfilled.
