Firsts session she asked why my file said psychosis. I looked at her dumb founded and shrugged. I had no clue as my irrational thoughts never occurred to me to be psychosis. We talked about a variety of stuff mainly accepting mental health, meds, fear of hospitalization, and my frustrations dealing with my sisters' fears, not knowing they were called Delusion's. I would occasionally say I've been being irrational but really didn't go into it. Then the medication induced psychosis hit.

I walked in looking like a deer in head lights, I couldn't speak I was so scared. How do you tell a therapist you tried to give yourself a tummy tuck without getting hospitalised? She spent most of her time guessing what was wrong. I eventually just lifted up my shirt and told her my husband thinks its because of the medication. At that time she thought it was self harm. Two days later I called frantic (I caught myself right before trying to sever my head from my neck) asking wtf was wrong with me. again I couldn't get the words out about what just happens and I refused to put my husband on the phone to explain. She talked to me about going to the crisis center and AP's. I declined and tore myself off that medication. When I had called my husbands therapist had already told her why I really had cut. I wrote down all my little breaks to explain why I tore myself off my med. I gave a copy to my therapist and my pdoc.

I learned quickly if I wrote it after the fact then it was just info not 'evidence'. So I stated writing. At first she suggested partial hospitalisation due to self doubt. To that I suggested I no longer write. She tried to figure out when everything started just for me to get frustrated and write a timeline of all my little life events. This only cemented the fact she wanted me on an AP and if she pushed I'd retreat.

So time went by and she'd get papers with what was really going on but generally the facade that everyone else got, unintentionally of course. There were times I let things slip and she would remind me that its bazaar thinking and when manic to take my AP but it kind of played out in the background. Until year 3, when I was willing to tell her out loud my brain was messing with me. Its still a fairly new ie. Within the year but it has helped so much talking out loud about psychosis to learn how to deal with it without more medication.