Yes. I am still sexually confused and frustrated. I'm even confused about why I am confused. Am I just overthinking this because I am a virgin and I've had too much time to come up with stupid new ideas as to why I'm never with anyone? Maybe.

Anyway. Here's what I know:

1) I never pursue guys
2) I never put myself out there
3) I don't do anything to let anyone know I'm attracted to them
4) the second I'm attracted to them, I assume they are jackasses and ignore them
5) I am embarrassed about being attracted to anyone because part of me things it is stupid to have a crush on anyone

So five solid problems I have. The root of all of the issues is probably a fear of rejection and a feeling that no one will ever want me. And an extreme fear of intimacy, especially physical intimacy.

I was talking to my T about how I've never been kissed. She said "you don't really want to be kissed, do you?" I'm not sure. I do. Hypothetically. Just not by just anyone. And I'm worried I'll suck at it. It also seems gross to me which is weird because sucking a guy off doesn't at all sound gross. It sounds almost more appealing. I don't know why.

I want to be with someone. But whenever anyone talks about me dating, I immediately say I'm not ready. How do I be ready? How do I overcome this fear? How do I even talk to guys and not run away the second I feel like something sexual could happen? What is wrong with me??

Oh and I'm a woman turning 21 in two months.