I think the hardest parts are that its a lifelong illness and I have no control of myself at times. I cant stand not being in control its the reason I never liked drinking alcohol. So at 29 when I forst had a manic episode and it was like I was in the passenger seat of my life it was very difficult for me. Also the guilt of things I have done and people I have lost and basically building and destroying myself over and over and knowing it will never end is where I am struggling now.

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