Sorry for disappearing, I have no internet at my new place so I go to the library when I have time :/ you guys are always awesome and I wanted to hear your opinion about what I can do with my therapy.
I am seeing my therapist for free at the moment, until I will be able to pay her again (like in one month), because we agreed that I could continue in this transition moment. I'm struggling a bit (mmm, a lot) with abandonment and inferiority feelings.

It would be time to process trauma, now that it is causing me huge problems with relationships - that I have to rebuild from zero. Right now I'm in a particular situation that is triggering me a lot. I'm not sleeping and I think I dissociated again after 12, 13 years. I am really worried but my first reaction is to just hide away so I texted my therapist to say I'm not going at our session. Like, "dump everyone before they dump you".

Since there's a strike going on in my old city she thinks I can't go due to transportation problems so she said no problem, let me know for next week. The truth is that I had this panic moment and a very high temperature. Now temperature is gone and I would like to go to the session (I had even put my free day on therapy day, before this happened) but T is fine with not seeing me and I guess she's happy not to have a session that I won't pay. She offered them, but now I don't feel entitled at all to text her again saying I can go. I've been trying to tell her about all this for a few weeks but I didn't make it, maybe I wasn't ready to open this can of worms yet.

On one side I will miss her a lot, I really need to talk to her and tell her I'm worried, ask if this is normal, if she is angry at me, if I am poisoning her, if I am hopeless, what we can do, seek comfort etc. On the other hand I don't want to show myself like this and let her see I'm incapable of having any healthy relationship. Part of me wants to disappear forever from her perfect (?) life instead of having to make her see this junk, because it won't be good for my self esteem and I only want to show up when I can pay her back and am a better person, I know it doesn't exactly work like this, but maybe I wasn't prepared and I am sort of convincing myself that she will only be glad about me disappearing and will forget about me in some days. It's an overwhelming feeling, I don't know how to handle my state of mind right now and I feel banned from contacting her and poison her with my horror stories, like a never ending rant. I fear she will be sick of me or that she really doesn't want to hear certain things. For free.

I don't know how to bring it up and IF I can ever make it to contact her. And I don't know if I should.

Do you think I should wait next week, take a month off from therapy, wait until I feel better..? Help. :/ sorry for the mess.

Thank you.