Quote:
Originally Posted by r3b0rn
My father left my mother when I was a baby. She remarried a weak willed man who would do anything for her. She used him to get to where she wanted to be in life and then divorced him on claims he couldn't change. I grew up in a house filled with hostility, I acted out constantly in hopes they would pay attention to me. I had 1 brother and 2 sisters we were all selfish and never got along. I speak to only one sister minimally because she hasn't realized I don't care yet.
At the age of 10 my dad came back into our lives and tried to buy our love. I thought you know that must be love because being punished and scolded all the time wasn't. So, at the age of 12 I moved in with my dad little did I know is my dad only cares about himself and once I lived there spent minimal money on me. He had a girlfriend who I hated because he spent all his time trying to make her happy but neglected me and my half brother. Although my half brother looked up to me I was mean and condescending to him daily. We do not talk as adults, me and my father talk minimally only when I get tired of all the messages and texts do I answer. Same goes for my mother I rather not talk to either of them really.
I feel as if I'm still a child when I think about it I want to grow up and sometimes I reach out to my parents because I want that love and comfort that I've never received. But, it's never there only rejection and excuses I may not talk to them for a year but the conversation with them consists of me not listening while they talk about themselves. I feel I am immature, selfish, negative, condescending, liar, always the good guy, only wrong when it's convenient, freak out when I lose control, use Anybody that gets close to me, and the list goes on I took the quiz and basically maxed it. What's crazy is I feel no remorse for what I've done and only feign guilt when I've been caught.
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This last paragraph sums it up!!! Do not look for the love from your parents as I did as well only to be let down and build more hate than was needed. You have to accept the facts that they are who they are. They too see their ways as acceptable and normal. I find that distance does work, keep things short and work on you. I have had conversations with my mother since knowing of my own things to try and figure out why. All this led to was more anger and hurt so I have learned to accept that trying to learn from the ones who have caused things are the ones to best stay a safe distance from. We know we have problems, ones that are most likely caused by the ones we want to love us. #^&K that!!!! We speak of not caring, no emotions and so on. The truth is we have masks on the outside AS WELL AS the inside. We have these things that are locked up somewhere in our screwed up minds. You wanting love and comfort from them shows this. Your explanation of being like a child is spot on. Most of us were left to fend for ourselves and this created our stories. To grow up figuring things out for ourselves is NOT NORMAL. Reasons why we continue to do so and why we are so strong willed in our judgement. We had to be as children and like anything else the more practice you have the better it becomes (or should I say worse for the people around us). What benefits us all here as that were not alone. What's even crazier than our minds is the fact that so many of us are wired the same. Before reading any of these forums did you ever believe someone was like you, almost exactly? I never did as I thought I was the most "special" in the world. Turns out our "special" equates to the opposite. Anger, impatience, above all and so on is who we believe to be. We are not better than anyone else. We need to understand that life is who we are and not what we are perceived by others to be. How great would it be to wake up each day and not care what anyone else thinks or see's us as? To live in a world were we do as we like and not try to put on the "mask" of what's needed for that time. I am tired of my thoughts, my mind and it's scenarios. The "I should of done" crap that never ends is really so tiring. In the end we will always be who we are but I do believe we can make a difference to be better for ourselves. There is hope after all!!!!! Hopefully LOL