I really don't know what to do with myself. Some days I feel almost like I'm just kind of sad.... today both of the kids stayed home from school. One was sick the other is having problems with the other kids picking on him.

There is food, but not much. I feel like a child myself. I can't make myself really do much of anything. The SI I feel today is so strong and I just feel heartbroken. I have all this life around me and it doesn't even sink through.

I don't want to live like this!!! I hate myself and I hate this stupid world that makes me exist in it. And now I feel like I'm whining, but this feeling is so persistent. No one understands but you all. I try to tell someone in my outside world and I'll end up hospitalized for sure. I told my oldest son that the low feeling is back and said sorry but I just feel so lame.

WTF!!!!!!!!!! I hate this so much. I wish I could find a clever way to check out, you know? So it seemed natural. I don't want to traumatize anyone but I can't just keep existing like this???

I don't want to ask why so much, but why??? It's just not fair. Help me someone. And even as I say this I know that you can't.