hi guys... I don't know if it really belongs here..
So... I had lot of bad issues with sex. I had a very sick "relationship" with a lot older man... it was abusive because no matter how I "agreed" I was just afraid and insecure and in reality I didn't want it and I tended to mentally avoid the presence during the act. However my first sexual experiences were with him... and the longest "relationship" as well...
3 years after I completely isolated myself from him I finally found a guy who is really good for me. he was a virgin when we met... but our sexual life was good along the way... we improved fast. I still had this problem with slipping out of reality but I could really trust him and I started to experience the fullness of presence in sexual act - which is being also in love with him was a very good experience
He started to have problems.. what at first seemed to be a personality disorder soon escalated into ever deepening problems and at the end he had periods of both schizoaffectiveness and psychosis... after I started to be afraid of him during schizoaffective episodes, so I left him.... but I still strongly desired him and dreamed about him finding a way and coming back to me.
well that happened. he found a good medication and on therapy and the extreme psychotic aspects are lowered to a point that they are just "normal" mood change. we started to date again - as it is never really ended just stopped for a time.
I love him and want to be with him but I recently experienced extreme anxiety about sexual acts again.... I wasn't abel to be present in the act, no matter how I wanted it and felt ready for it and how good the foreplay was.... he always were very understanding and patient - but I'm in pain about this issue.... because now any sexual though with actual person (porn is just a mindblast) is giving me anxiety. so it is just agressively reduces my sexual desires.... how can I - we - come over it?