I'm only 20 years old, I enjoy escaping reality and accepted a lot of my crap that I'm stuck here and I can't get out no matter what. So what I do is avoid shut out and make sure no one gets in. I've lived my whole life never knowing what love or trust is, because I'm just that unlucky is how I'm treated. I know I'm putting this point down like I'm beating a dead horse, but believe me it's truthful and honest what I go through.

I've never met or been around anyone who just stopped caring trying to change me to what they think is great and just love me for me. I've always wanted someone to go out their way to see me and only me, as I look on the outside as a male and on the inside a female. I just want to feel like a person and treated with respect and just feel like I can do something, when I was younger I was put under the wrong impression it will get better or that a relationship with a girl will provide that. It's never been the case, I've learned from those mistakes and finding myself, being ignored and assumed I'm not perfect.
I've wanted to be a female all my life, because it fits me, not on my lifestyle or even wanting to feel beautiful. It's just I know I know what it feels like what a lot of women go through, because of how I was genetically made up of and my personal experiences and how I dealt with them. I would do anything if there was a magic way for me to be a woman, feel some sense of belonging in a group of girl friends being young and free. If it was real I would give everything up, to be a mom, to have the periods, the cramping and the pain of everything, the stigma the cat calling, the feeling like I want someone to appreciate me and my hard work.
The intimacy the fights and the love and closeness. Everything, the hard work you ladies have to do so much for yourself and others, there would be no other place on earth I would ever be if I wasn't in a room where I can be with my female friends just having fun watching netflix and enjoying the simple things. I couldn't explain to you, how much I envy some women who don't want it, I understand where they are coming from, because I feel it too bout being a guy when women tell me I'm gorgeous and they would want to be me. Well, I welcome people like that, because you know how I feel, and I would be your best friend if anything I could switch bodies with any of my female friends. I know it sounds crazy for me and a lot of women tell me I would regret, but I don't care, it doesn't if I regretted it now or later. I'm just grateful I see things as they are and that my existence is that no matter what body parts you have they don't define the person. No matter what orientation or what you love and attracted to doesn't define the person at all. I don't have as many gay male friends, and my uncle is gay and I'm so happy he's existing. I'm trans, but I don't need the surgery it's not what I want even if it looks very awesome and convincing. It won't help me whats so ever. I only wanted to date people my way who agree with me, but all the time I turn everyone down, because they expect me to change for them. I will never change for anyone, I know many women feel that way bout men changing their looks for their partner's approval. I've experienced it all, I know what you go through. I'm one of you, despite how different I look. All I've wanted for all women no matter if I'm attracted to them or not to feel confident and beautiful bout themselves. I only wanted people to feel that way and express themselves as they are, because I'm living a life that I'm not having that freedom being oppressed for my opinion, because of who I am with my body as a male. I'm not complaining, that I don't get enough sex or I'm not manly enough because of my experiences, I'm happy I'm different. I just hate people, who only care to do what's superficial and acceptable to everyone instead of being free and accepting themselves making it easier on everyone. Please I beg of anyone to listen to me, because I don't want to die, not able to live and experience that closeness from anyone.