I know it sounds weird, but I don't remember the last time I actually really felt positive emotions. I think I've felt the negative ones for so long that I've forgotten how to feel happiness or joy.

I feel so disconnected from those emotions- it's as though I became "clinical" due to all of the trauma. It was easier to shut down at the time. The issue is that I was never able to turn them on again and now it seems as though all I can feel is self-loathing, guilt, anger, mistrust (of myself and others) and sadness. Or almost nothing at all.

But I'm very adept at masking behaviors so that others won't realize that there's anything wrong. I've learned the "appropriate" responses and imitate them so that no-one will know that while I might be smiling and joking, that's not actually how I'm feeling on the inside.

I doubt I'm unique in this, so if anyone can help me feel less alone I'd appreciate it very much. My last therapist snuck behind my back and violated my hipa rights by requesting certain services (that I didn't meet the criteria for) when I was unable to come to the office because I had just had major back surgery and was house-bound for a month. If I'd been a danger to myself or someone else I would understand, but that wasn't the case, and I fired her. I'm in the process of finding another therapist, but a lot of places here in NC won't take Medicare!

Take care, everyone. I hope to meet you soon!