Quote:
Originally Posted by BeteNoire
The further I step from him the more I see how unhealthy our relationship was and all it does is make me angrier at myself.
When he was trying to date that other women, the first time he mentioned his intentions to me he said he was telling me because it was the right thing to do but that he didn't care about my opinion he was going to do it anyway.
Right there. Right ****ing there he told me exactly how little he cared about me and I ignored it. The hell sort of pathetically stupid is that?
When I called him on how he was taking his anger at her out on me he got mad at me for not supporting him when he needed it and I agreed.
He never loved me. He loved that for the tiniest bit of pretend affection I would worship him and let him walk all over me.
I hate myself for being so damned pathetic.
I hate myself for feeling sorry for him because to run someone into the ground like that just to feed one's own egotistical delusions he must be experiencing a whole lot of pain and emotional turmoil under that facade of his.
I hate myself because I can't forgive myself.
|
Okay, you really need to stop doing this to yourself (wish someone had said that to me). I know now that you're getting some distance little things come back to haunt you, and you are alternately full on hating or full on sobbing, and sometimes both. This will continue, but it's because of withdrawl.
I fully believe it isn't just the emotional wrecking they do.....with their actions, their manipulation, their gaslighting etc...we become addicted to them. When they verbally slap us or walk away, we crave and beg and plead and wrack our brains trying to figure out what we did. When they deign to return, we're so absorbed in relief and love, NOTHING they say will actually get thru to us. And it goes on like that the entire relationship only we don't see it because we're IN it.
So it's the withdrawl you're dealing with now. And it ain't pretty. And it hurts and it causes constant self-doubt, self-questions. But it WILL pass, I promise you. I would try to force myself to think of something else when those "creepy crawlies' as I called them, came in and sometimes it worked. Sometimes...a lot of times, it didn't and I would bawl like a baby....demanding to know why I was so stupid....and then cry harder because I was crying...again!!! I swear, it was worse than quitting smoking.
You can read up on NPD...that helped me a lot...but be careful you don't get addicted to that...it's almost like having them with you again, in a two dimensional way...and after a while that's not healthy either. But at first, it might help....consider it a bit of methadone to help the withdrawl of the heroin he is.
Mine told me things during the relationship too, that I look back on and realize...he was being honest (and awful) but I dismissed them as my misunderstanding, or being to harsh. He once told me he enjoyed manipulating people. (for some reason I ignored this...and to this day I don't know the excuse I made for it. But I made one) He told me things he'd done to treat people in his life (former wife, children) shabbily.....distantly, and dismissively----ahhh but THIS one I remember thinking "he's making a blue print for me to follow...warning me this is what he'll do to me". Again I ignored it. Swept it away on a curl of curiosity and imagination. And guess what? He did the exact same thing to me.
It will get better, trust me. It will take time, but it will get better. Keep posting here...it helps to vent sometimes....message me if you like, and vent to me. I'm strong enough now, to help you. And one day, you'll be strong enough to help another person devastated by an NPD.
