Hi Jeff. I can relate. I was terrified about going back to work after I had been sick with agoraphobia and panic attacks for 4 years. I was so afraid I was going to fail and end up just the way I had before -- not being able to handle it and being controlled by the anxiety again.

With the help of medication and CBT, I confronted those fears, though, and I went back to work.

I found that the fear during the anticipation was much worse than actually doing it, though. Once I was back at work, it became much less scary. I made sure I took a job that had strict hours (no overtime), so I wouldn't be giving myself more than I could handle. I had to constantly remind myself to take time for myself, and ask friends and family for help when I needed it. I also gave myself permission to fail. I told myself that the worst that could happen would be that I would fail -- and I had done that before and although it sucked, it wasn't the end of the world. I ended up succeeding, though. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

This past summer, I had the opportunity to do something I was really excited about -- flying (for the 1st time in 10 years) to Chicago and interviewing the lead singer of my favourite band. When the opportunity first arose, I thought, "Who am I kidding? I can't do this! My FORMER self could have done this, but I'm not capable of this kind of stuff anymore!" I committed to doing it, though, because I wanted to so much. During the days before the trip, I had a number of meltdowns -- sobbing on the phone to my dad about how I had gotten in over my head and there was no way I could do it, etc. I was TERRIFIED, but I did it and I did it well and it built my confidence.

I started a new job recently and I do things everyday that I never thought I would be capable of again. It has just been a process of challenging myself, building my confidence, and doing my best to deal with the setbacks. It's still hard sometimes -- some days are harder than others, but I'm so glad I faced the fears and got my life re-started.

Every time we face a fear and handle that situation, it builds confidence and things become easier. The setbacks are inevitable, I think. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I know how frightening it is. Are you talking to a therapist about this? Does your therapist think you're ready to challenge yourself in this way? If you're not ready, it could be traumatic, but if you are at a point in your recovery, where challenging yourself could be helpful, you just need to go for. Bite the bullet and white-knuckle through the fear. Sometimes we're much stronger than we give ourselves credit for... and the fear of failure, in my experience, has been much scarier than actually DOING what I feared. Personally, I have to fight the urge to overthink things all the time and sometimes I just have to make myself go for it.

Good luck!