why does it take a miracle for me to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sick of myself...to the point where just writing this is making me feel so disgusted about myself. The disgust is overwhelming....is there a pattern...hmm...first i had ....just feeling down feelings....then there was sad......then there was denial....then physical feeling like my heart was breaking agony....then more denial.......then realization....then anger ...then an accepting sadness....then a brief period of uneasy happiness...sort of afraid be better along with some disgust... knowing each time you feel better it comes down again..plus you dont know how to be happy anymore...we spend our whole lives surviving these bad feelings and wanting to make them go away and when they go away for alittle bit...your uneasy..it makes you want to puke..ok it makes ME want to puke....what is going on? Then it will start all over again........can anyone relate? Im almost afraid to be better!!!! But as i write that i know i am not better....and wont be for awhile..that this is just a period ...ya know? i know its confusing...but im not better...and im starting to feel those down feelings again....and you try to shake it off...the tettering on the edge feeling, taking a shower watching a movie...but all the while you feel so antsy because of it...like your about to jump out of your skin feeling because its such an uneasy feeling....meh

love, Inny