I can relate. It's almost like I got so used to feeling bad, it's where I became most comfortable. Sounds crazy, yes, to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable. But there's a bit more to it than that for me. Letting myself feel uncomfortable and pained about my past and how it has continued to affect me -- this is a whole lot better than stuffing it and numbing it with self-destructive behaviors. It also makes it feel real -- like I can't really believe even now that I was so horribly abused. I really worked hard for so long to deny it happened, deny how bad it was, deny that it mattered --- but, in fact, it was always with me and it hurt really, really bad. What it all boils down to -- feeling bad and disgusted and sad and horrified, it's all part of my grief. I need to grieve. I was too afraid to cry for about 20 years. I have to let it out. I'm not happy. So I cry. At least now I can cry. I can cry without them screaming at me, hitting me, r**ing me again. I'm so grateful to feel sad, instead of afraid.

You're not alone, Inny.

mtd