Hi everybody, I’m new. You guys can just call me Snow, I’m 23 and am looking for some support. This will probably be a long one so just a warning...get comfy.

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 18 and immediately began my journey or medication. I tried so many different kinds or mood stabilizers, antidepressants etc and finally with my own research I requested to try Lamotrigine. I started at 25mg and worked my way up to 200mg where I currently sit 4.5 years later. When I was diagnosed it was the worst my mental health had become out of control which is obviously why I looked for help. I am from Canada and even though our health system is quite large and we generally have “free” healthcare getting a decent Psychiatrist is a nightmare. I was in no position to pay for a private doctor and therefore relied on community supports. I saw the same doctor for about 2 years and while he was okay he was more of a “Hi, how are you, yours meds good? Need an adjustment? K here’s a prescription” literally our appointments were no more that 10-15minutes. So yes I was getting medication but I probably should have had a more thorough assessment. I did reach a point of stability and was doing quite well. I was just working and I had a boyfriend and things were good. About 8 months after diagnoses and treatment my Grandmother passed away very unexpectedly which to most isn’t “that” big of a deal but she was like a Mother to me and we were all torn apart from it. I was unable to say goodbye or be present at her funeral as she lived overseas(had moved there 8 years earlier) and only my mother and sister were able to go. It devastated me and I was forced to take on very adult roles to maintain things in Canada while my mom and sister were overseas. This put a huge push back on my treatment and to this day I still struggle with the grief even though it has been 4 years.

Fast forward, I decided to go to College after declining a University acceptance. I moved 5 hours from home with my boyfriend for us both to go to school. I had been somewhat stable, stable enough to function. I did not register with a disability and wanted to prove I could do everything and be “normal” like everyone else. I excelled in my courses and graduated with honours. I was so proud of myself. I was able to see a Psychiatrist through the college and he was quite helpful for the most part, still quick in and out session but its better than nothing. My boyfriends program was a year longer than mine so we stayed for another year. I just worked and was okay. My employer was not aware of my mental health and I had no intention of bringing it to anyones attention. At this point the only people who knew of my diagnoses was my family, boyfriend and about 3 very close friends.

Unexpectedly while visiting home, a house came up for sale. My boyfriend was in love with it and honestly I hated everything about it. Our relationship had been a little rocky so I thought I would be supportive and encourage the situation. We made an offer and surprisingly got the house. So we packed up our life and moved 5 hours back home. It was a decision I grew to regret. I gave up everything to do this for my boyfriend and things just did not go well from then on. My struggles with my relationship are an entirely different story. My mental health plummeted after moving back. I am currently working at a job that is in my career field yet lacks a lot of the morals I believe in. There is a lot of negativity and a lot of bad situations that occur that could have been prevented. My job is one of the things that makes me feel the worst. A situation arose and it was very very bad to say the least(I don’t want to give specific details) and it caused me to have a breakdown. I was forced to tell my boss what was going on and why I was struggling. I told them of my diagnoses and situation. I only told my boss and human resources and explicitly asked(more like begged) to keep the information confidential. Now after a year of working at this place my mental health is non-existent. I am severely depressed, have nauseating anxiety and have completely lost interest in life. I have been suicidal and hopeless. I have began to feel a lost sense of “self” and have struggled to do anything productive. I know I need a medication adjustment and at this point I feel that I need a full reassessment as I’m not even sure I’m actually Bipolar or not. I decided to take two weeks off to clear my head. I took the time off and while I didn’t feel “amazing” I felt relief. I returned at the beginning of this week and things were okay but then I found out something that just set me off. My boss had told my supervisor of my current condition without my consent. This supervisor then told another two coworkers that I had depression(false). It then came out that when I took time off this supervisor was going around telling coworkers that I “was a very depressed person who can’t handle people”. I went off the handle, this ignorant person has no idea what they are talking about and I am humiliated and utterly ashamed. I fear setting foot in the building and I am sick with anxiety. I feel so ashamed of myself and even more depressed. I feel like everybody just looks at me and “knows” and I am being judged. I know what they did was wrong and it was not my fault but it has truly truly broken me. I feel isolated and I literally feel like I am in pieces. I was on a mental health forum during the beginning of my journey and people looked up to me because I was stable and was doing well in life. I accomplished so much and never had public breakdowns. I was proud to think I was above my disorder. Now after everything has fallen apart and I’ve landed face first, I am a wreck. I am nothing but my disorder. Bipolar rules every aspect of my life and everything in it is in shambles. I guess I just want some support from people who understand what it feels like and the severity of the illness. I do not have access to a doctor at this point and am on a waiting list that my GP says can take up to a year. I want to quit my job, hell I want to quit my life. I am floating day to day and desperately need to figure out how to get things back to normal. I am defeated.

Sorry for the novel, if you made it through I greatly appreciate it and send you a virtual cookie it’s nice to get it all out and know that maybe someone will understand.