Well, its over now. Though from what he said before he ended the friendship, I probably lost him a long time ago. If I were being completely honest with myself I knew things would end up this way, I tried to be optimistic and hope for the best but in my gut I knew things would go south. And today they did. Sure wish he would have waited until I came online before he did that but it was probably for the best that I wasnt there, because I would have fought to keep things from ending. Hell, its not like him unfriending me stopped me from trying one last time though. I went to another person that was on his friendslist that i also had on mine and asked her to send one final message to him. I hoped that it would change his mind, but it didnt. Now that the day has ended though and I'm preparing to go to sleep I look back at that final message and cringe. I look back at this thread, all of the venting I did, and I realize that I've been utterly pathetic.

The worst part about this though is the fact that it was completely my fault. My anxiety problems slowly and silently burned our bridges and I had no warning that he was getting fed up with them until it was too late. I find myself getting angry at him for not letting me know it was too much for him, I could have easily just kept everything to myself if I was bothering him, but its too late now. Im not getting a second chance. If I were to be honest Im still hoping he considered what i said in the final message (if he even read it) and will be friends with me later on down the line but I need to stop that train of thought. If i don't i wont be able to move on. It may take awhile but I will move on eventually.

With the way things are going though its going to be difficult. I met him through steam while playing team fortress 2 and almost every other day for 2 years we played that. I love that game, clocked over 4,000 hours into it, but now I find that i dont even want to play it. Its just not fun without him. Hes really the only person I talked to on steam and now that that wont be happening anymore I dont even want to play the games that give me joy. It feels like suddenly the enjoyment I get out of things is gone. Today my mother surprised me with a headset so I could talk while I play, but the only reason I wanted a mic to begin with was so that I could talk to him. How ironic that I finally got one the day the friendship ended. Earlier in the evening I joined a server and accidentally came across him and his friend completely by chance, I left immediately.

I was looking forward to going to see a few movies when i got my check. I was looking forward to finding another job so that I could buy a better computer and play more games with him. Last night I started watching Hannibal and wanted to continue watching the series. I recently picked up lord of the rings and had planned on reading the trilogy because he saw the movies and I wanted to talk to him about it. Ive got some games that Im eager to play when they are released later in the year, some of which i wanted to play with him. I started exercising again after falling off the horse for a month, but now I dont want to. None of that matters now though, I just don't see a point anymore. No Im not going to kill myself over this, of course not, but I just dont know. Everything feels so empty right now. Whats the point of doing anything?

I've been thinking though, i was thinking about this ever since he started to ignore me a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if this is my minds way of trying to cope with all this but I'm not completely sure I wanted to continue being friends with him anyway, despite what Im currently feeling. Our conversations had been kind of boring for a long while. He was bad at conversation and so was I. Most of the time we would talk about whatever game we were currently playing because he couldnt think of anything else to say. Whenever I tried to change the topic he would make a short comment on it and after a little silence he would go right back to talking about the game. I mentioned that to him a few days before he started giving me the silent treatment.

I think what this all comes down to, at least some of it anyway, is the fact that i'm a creature of habit. I can go about the same routine for a long time before I need a change. I may not have been enjoying our talks all that much, but every other day like clockwork for 2 years I logged onto steam and we talked for a few hours. Since thats no longer going to be the case though Im floundering a bit. The other part of it has to deal with my social circle, or lack thereof. I now have two friends, both of which I met back in high school. Slowly we've been drifting though due to me putting off contact because of my social anxiety. I can still talk to them sure, but because we don't talk as often as I'd like I sometimes feel like we really arent friends. This former friend was really the only person I had to talk to consistently and the only person I could call a friend for sure without wondering if that was the case, but thats gone now. I might as well be alone for the time being.

I'll get over this eventually. I had a good cry when I first saw his last message and when i can get the house to myself and stop suppressing my feelings I'll probably cry again. In the meantime though, my obsessive thoughts are going to be doing a number on me.