I'm in a lot of physical pain from a genetic disorder that won't get better, neurological disease that makes it too painful to move or feel anything.
I have stiff person syndrome I'm being treated, but it's doing little effort now, my friends are being overly critical saying I can do it, but it's easier for them to say because they don't have what I have and can never know. I'm so angry being told to toughen up or it could be worse, well they won't say anything to motivate in the right way they push me around and expect me to be this or that. I guess because I'm too pushy to them because I want to be loved or have attention, because I'm always isolated now. I'm trying to leave and go on my own, but I can't because my body is slowly going to kill me sooner than I wanted it to. I don't want to die this way, but if it comes down to it sooner or later. I want to die young before my symptoms completely take away everything.

I don't want to deal with this pain anymore, I don't want to feel like a burden someone who isn't good enough, because I can't help myself anymore. I don't want to be alive knowing, if this wasn't here I could do so much more. I'm doing all I can and seems a lot people don't notice my effort. I've gone through so much abuse and real torture of being trapped in situations where I was beaten and rape as a kid and I'm suffering from a disease where leaving this poor hell is much too overwhelming now.

I'm done trying to get something done and all I can do is have enough energy to make food and sit on a chair to type on a computer and when I go out. It's not fatigue that's keeping me down it's my muscles won't move period when it's going on. It comes and goes, but now it's much more severe, breathing has been a challenge. I'm only 20 and all I want to do is die, because my body isn't taking this so well. I just beg this pain to stop and I can't stop crying when it goes on and all I want to do is stop.