So... I've come to realise... that my life is kinda messed up. Pls stay awhile and listen to my cries...

I currently live with my parents. My brother and I actually have an apartment together but he got it for us because he needs to try to live with his girlfriend to see if they can move in together permanent. They are gonna try that for the rest of this summer... so I'll live with my parents which I don't like. I need time alone and silence. I'm very sensitive to sound especially if I am working on a song or anything sound related. My parents like to disturb me, and ask me how I feel and I don't wanna talk about my depression or anything else with them which they seem to never give up. I've tried to tell them I want to keep things for myself but I think I'll stick with the strategy to not really answer their questions/lie.

It's the end of this semester and I've got plenty of assignments and exams now. Half of them I've already postponed from earlier this semester. But I just..can't..start to study for them. I don't have this exotic thing called "self discipline"... But maybe I would if I could sleep.

I just can't fall asleep. And I don't care.... kinda... I don't have to will to care. I could go thorugh a million of "how to sleep" guides on the internet and try meds and ask my doctor and what not if only I did care about myself. I get tired when I should so I can't stay up studying or doing whatever I want to do, but I can't fall asleep either so I just end up with all the bad thoughts on my head.

I do got these meds... they calm my mind and make me fall asleep but they also make me tired the next day...so whatever I do I'll be in a terrible condition for studying the next day!! #£$@£$!

I know I need therapy and contact with my doctor again... but the thing is .. I don't want a therapist here because he/she is gonna be on vacation during the summer and when I then move back to my apartment I'll have to switch, and I won't get a doctor in time now for these exams plus I dunno where I live on paper... and it could be that I can no longer get a doctor here cause I actually live at the apartment...or it's the opposite...

And...I...can't...be...left...alone....in....this....
I....just....want....to...clear...my....mind...
please...let...me....sleep.....
please.....no....more.....nightmares......

thx for reading....I guess...