I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with right now, dilemma-girl. You asked if this is how your life is supposed to be and the answer would be no if you want to be happy. Based on your description of the man you are currently in a relationship with, he definitely sounds manipulative and abusive and that's no good for anyone including the abuser because they can feel empowered if they are able to continue with their hurtful behavior.

It seems to me that you are suffering from a great burden of guilt and that really needs to be addressed before you can enter into any romantic relationship in a healthy way. All of that guilt has been compounded by your new partner who has used it against you rather than being supportive and doing what he can to help you work through it. I would suggest you begin by helping yourself out by surrounding yourself with people who are truly there for you and finding a therapist that you are comfortable with. Please keep in mind that you are not alone in facing indecision and doubts. Everyone does and it is scary and can be painful sometimes. I am not stating that to minimize your predicament but rather to help you see you are not alone. Always remember that you can choose to make your life the way you feel it should be so you can be happy. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget that you have the power to govern you own life as you need to.

You are living your own life story and you are facing a great challenge. I believe you can triumph over this difficulty and make yourself stronger to face future challenges. You are dilemma-girl now but dilemmas can often help us realize great insights about ourselves. Rely on the people who can fill you with courage and make the decisions you need to. Thanks for sharing and I know this community is happy to help you however they can.