I think I recognize some of your feelings. My parents are gone now, but before they passed I would visit them with very mixed feelings. A little guilt about past transgressions, a little excitement, (it was a trans-continental trip from my place to theirs), and a lot of apprehension because a kind of lethargy usually weighed me around them.

Ambivalence is the word that comes to mind. I did not feel the enthusiasm I thought I should feel and I wanted to feel about visiting them. That dissonance was very distracting. So the visits were never as fulfilling as I thought they should be, and usually were cut somewhat short by me, using some excuse or other.

But I think they were good for them. (At least that was what they said.) And now that they are gone, I am pleased that I visited as often as I did, even though I felt I short-changed them and me both, at the time.