I'll add to the chorus of don't start.

For me it's a mixture of a few things. Mostly, it's a release. It's the only time I ever get when the chaos in my head to shut up because I'm so focused on the pain.

There's also an element of feeling like I deserve it for hurting others, for not coping better in the past, for letting myself get this bad.

Finally, up until I finally got proper help, it was a cry for help. A way of shouting at the world that I was not and am not okay.