SI never helps; just wanted to get that out of the way, first.

Perhaps you're looking for a proper release; something that isn't self-destructive. Are you able to do something like exercise, which will release nice chemicals?

Maybe you're finally reaching that point when you realise SI does nothing but give off a chemical reaction and put your health at risk. I had a similar point, some time back, ... actually, a couple, ... first time I got worse, ... second time I quit, ... or at least, started quitting, ... until I did eventually stop and haven't done it in 4 years - I don't think I'm even capable of doing it, now.

Maybe now's a good time to say "[beep] [beep]!" to SI, and find something real to use, ... like something beautiful, such as music, or something invigorating, like exercise/sport. Poetry, stories, drawing, painting, ... whatever it is, give yourself an outlet that is kind to your body.

Sounds like it's about time you stopped hurting yourself... wanna get angry? Get angry at SI; don't do it, just to spite it. I'd also suggest hanging out with other people, if possible, to help keep you busy and it might just be a bit of a comfort to you.

Also, ... if you feel like you're gonna cry, ... might be worth a go... purely biological...

Besides, I'd say you've earned it.

Stay safe, please. SI is not the answer, it never was, and it never will be.