Hello Idiot17: I hope this is not too brazen. But there's an old saying. "If wishes were horses, then beggars could ride." (There's another old saying that gets to the same point. But I won't write that one here.) The point is, wishing you had the strength to conquer this, or wishing it would just go away, etc. won't accomplish anything. You have to DO something. And the reality is there are, for the most part, only a few main options: see a therapist, go to the hospital, get into some type of self-abuse treatment program, etc. You need support to overcome your self-abuse & intrusive thoughts. And that support has to come from somewhere. The question is: will you reach out & make it happen, or will you wait until your situation becomes so dire that it is forced upon you? I hope you can find the strength to choose the former.