Okay... I am understanding this now. I'm an old man at this pont. And I hid my mental health challenges for over 5 decades. I've written previously that if denial were blankets, I'd have been crushed by the weight. Awhile after turning 50, I had a bout with cancer & my ability to hide my struggles gradually unwound until I finally made my 1st serious suicide attempt.

When I was growing up, where I grew up, admitting to having a mental illness would have been similar to admitting to original sin! My parents would, I'm sure, have better understood me going to prison, than going to a mental hospital. They wouldn't have liked it... but they'd have at least understood prison. So, for me, the prospect of acknowledging that I was struggling with mental health problems was anathema! Of course, what ultimately happened was that I just unraveled emotionally. I've been struggling ever since. And, unfortunately, because I lived in complete denial for so many years, at this point, it's just too late to do much about any of it.

It sounds to me, Idiot17, as though you are in a similar situation. You're staggering under a mountain of embarrassment and denial. You just can't bring yourself to accept, that you have mental health problems & to seek out the help you need. But, I have to tell you, that if I had it to do over again, I'd shout it from the rooftops. I'd get it out there because keeping it bottled up inside is much worse. And, ultimately, it's going to come out one way or another. It has to.

So you can either choose how & when it comes out & get some help before it destroys your life, or you can just stay snuggled up under that mountain of denial & embarrassment; in which case it will all come tumbling down of its own accord leaving you with even more embarrassment as a result of the circumstances under which it is likely to come out. Again... I hope you can find the strength to seek out the help you need.