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I've been trying to convince myself that I’m happy and feeling better. But I’m really not. I feel like I’m getting worse but I cant bring myself to accept it. I feel so fragile that even the littlest thing can brake me into a million tiny pieces. Sometimes I feel so sad that my chest physically feels like its being squeezed really tight and I cant breath. I feel so empty all the time yet I feel so much pain. I feel so empty and numb, I cant feel anything, it's like I’m dead.
Even when I have “highs” I cant appreciate them or enjoy them because they don’t seem real.
It's like I’m not in my own body . I feel I cant process what “good stuff” is happening to me because I’m not sure if its happening at all. Like I’m watching my life from behind a glass window.
Sometimes I feel like its my fault I have no friends. I've lost all the friends I’ve ever had so it must be something I’ve done. I don’t feel good enough to have friends. I feel like I would let them down because I cant love myself so how can I love them .
And Sometimes I hate myself so much that I don’t think I deserve friends. But I really want friends, I need friends. Someone to talk to. It's lonely without friends and makes dealing with what I have a lot harder. When I did have friends I always felt the odd one out of the group. They would make plans in front of me and not include me. I've had so many best friends replace me with someone else. Someone better than me. But what hurt the most is that no matter what I did I just wasn’t good enough. They seemed like they wouldn’t notice if I was gone. I feel Like they were better off without me.
After losing so many friends I think if I ever get friends again I will constantly be afraid of losing them. For as long as I remember I’ve been afraid of losing the people I love. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is ever afraid of losing me.
I feel like nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I’ve cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I've lost hope and tried to end it all. Nobody knows how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve felt like I'm about to snap, but I don’t for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I’m sad, and how horrible they can be. Nobody. Knows. Me.
I feel like I’m ready to give up now. I've always told myself to “hang on” just one more day. That day seems to turn into months, years and now I’m here and nothing has changed. I just don’t see the point of trying any more. People say things will get better but nobody has proof of that. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life
I've been finding it really hard to eat. Like I either don’t feel hungry at all or I feel so bad about my weight that I don’t want to eat much. At the moment I'm eating 500 calories a day. I cant face food. I spend ages thinking about what to eat and when I do eat I feel guilty afterwards. Or I feel like I have to exercise or I will put on weight. I'm so scared of putting on weight and I don’t even know why. But when I lose weigh it feels good and it makes me want to lose more.
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