Well, of course, I don't really know why you're paranoid to get help, Idiot17. I just know that, in my case, my parents in particular, & society in general, taught me that I must hide as deep in the closet as I could possibly get. Nothing was ever said overtly that I can recall. But the intent must have been clear because I learned the lesson well. Perhaps it is the same with you. This would be something to explore with a therapist as a first step.