I guess the best way to start is to go way back. I had a bad childhood. Yes,yes I know didn't we all.. but mine was in the papers. Massive child abuse, neglect , molestation etc etc. Oddly enough I wasn't depressed. Not during or after. I understood at a young age that this was not normal, the adults were at fault and I didn't deserve what was happening /had happened to me. I am normally a logical person. I'm not super upbeat, just I get that things are the way they are for various reasons and how to rationally deal with it. Except now..
I don't know if it's my age (mid 30s) or that I am in a not great financial situation. I can't figure it out. In my mind I say "Ok girl you have done everything you can, you are doing all you can", but my next immediate thought is "Are you? are you really?" Then I'm plagued with doubt and become more depressed because I can't figure it out. I am hoping I can get a second job (with my nearing 100 applications I have sent out) and that will give me breathing room. I want this to work, I am sick of being like this and I know my family is. I hate crying and feeling helpless and worthless.