I feel like I have wrecked everything. I feel like a total failure and like there's no way my T ever wants to see me again. I want to quit and run away and never come back. The only thing holding me there at the moment is that this may be my best shot at healing, both now and in the future.

But what if I can't be healed? What if I am broken forever? What if my T has finally realized that and is giving up on me? And what if the only way to save myself from that heartbreak is to quit first? I hate myself right now, for doing that thing wrong, and for telling her about it. I am so ashamed and guilty. I know she has to be totally sick of me and of my problems. She probably hates me, too. And has abandoned me. She is probably so angry and disappointed at me for messing up like I have rather than doing what I should be. She probably sees me as a waste of time and as a total failure. Because that's what I am, and she sees enough to know that's the case.

I am worthless and terrible. I won't ever get better and I won't ever have any worth. I hate myself and my life. I hate that even though I try to do everything right, I still end up fu*king it all up. I can't succeed at anything or improve my life at all. I am horrible and broken and wrong, totally wrong. I want to hurt myself again, and I want to die and never deal with any of this (I won't act on any of these feelings). I want to disappear, to stop existing and to stop trying. I want to give up and quit on everything, lie down like the dirt I am, and never move again.

Ugh. I hate feeling like this.