hullo,
am new to all this and i need some advice on what has been going on in my life. i am my mother's first born child and she and i have never had a calm relationship. i have never acted like a typical first born child like being responsible, organized or more mature for my age. i have made mistakes in my 26 years of living and i will be the first to admit them. i used to blame my mother for the decisions i made or how i acted because she was always controlling, suffocating, crticising and emotionally abusive and never happy with who i was which was not 'first born material' so i guess that is why i have always run away from responsibility. but i learnt the hard way that i may blame her for all the things i have done but that has not made me happy, or given me peace. so i decided to stop doing that and started taking responsibility for myself and try to make a life for myself. now am 26, working and trying to finish off school. but because of my past mistakes, i needed help which am thankful my parents are providing,i.e a place to stay when am not working out of town. as i try on making a change in my life, i can't help but desire a little support and encouragement, because i am struggling to not become bitter with my regrets. my father is supportive, and my mum has been as well. however with my mum, she is supportive one minute and when i disappoint her anytime, it quickly becomes emotional abuse such as you ruined my life, you destroyed this family, i hate you etc. such disappointments come out of let's saying coming home late..at 9 p.m. i should add that the rules at my parents' house are the rules for a sixteen year old. at first i struggled with them, however i came to an understanding that their roof their rules until i can leave. however any infraction on those house rules leads to these emotional outbursts and confiscating my phone. things became too much for me last night. i sat my final exams this weekend and was so very excited about what this could mean for my future. earlier during the year i had an old friend from school over to the house, he's a guy and it was during the day and i gave him some breakfast and lunch before he went on his way. my parents were out of the country then, and it was before a new rule of no guys in the house at all had come up( because i had had a guy visitor much earlier that i later told my mother about and we even had a good gossip about him) so i didn't see the need to tell her about this visitor 3 months later. the caretaker of my parents' house proceeded to tell my mother how i had a boy over and every little thing i have done while she was away,like coming home past 8pm, i wish i could even say that i partied in the house or did drugs or had sex in the living room...sadly none of that happened. it was coming home late and a boy over during the day. this led to ofcourse the same old emotional abuses except with some new ones 'i ended her marriage, i am a cancer within the family, all i have brought is grief to the family,i am an evil daughter' confiscating my phone and hitting me. but the thing is i hit back. i was suddenly so angry and done with this...drama i should say. she then proceeded to tell me to get out and get my own place to entertain 'my men' or better yet go get married( which is a sore subject for me cause i have never been in a relationship) . i am so numb to her right now and it's like i don't give a hoot about what she thinks anymore. i apologised because i did lie that there was no boy who came over cause honestly i didn't want to deal with her drama. and so i have been banned from having any visitors, i am to be home at 8 pm the latest, till i graduate and leave. and i have started to plan to move in a few months time. i guess i need some advice or feedback or something, i don't know. am i bad daughter? am i judging her too harshly...am just numb and confused about how i don't feel anything for her anymore