Sent an email to my T on Friday. She had asked me to do so at least once a week. One I sent was hard to write, almost deleted… but bit the bullet and pressed send. Mentioned si (a recent development), embarrassment at the doctors, anxiety over a trip to see a friend… was quite raw.

No reply

Kept checking on my phone as the weekend progressed, the wife helpfully put perspective on it “it’s the weekend, she’s probably on holiday etc”… so I’ve done my best to just try to keep going.

Sent a text this morning… heavily defusing, saying I totally respect out of work priorities etc… just wondering if she’d seen it and could she just send a small acknowledgement… anything to just give me closure.

Still nothing.

In a bit of a panic tbh… trying to put perspective on it – could be she is actually abroad, no access… something horrible could have happened… the latter has me worried… I do care about her.

There is that other side though that is telling me she is just ignoring me or is disgusted with me… and whatever negative self-hate labels I can throw down.

Starting to hate talking, typing, sharing… leaves me a bit vulnerable and also makes me angry at myself.

Had told very basic info (I thought in confidence) to a work friend (also my supervisor) on Thursday and he admitted to giving a brief synopsis to our manager… was hurt and upset. He explained that work needs to know these things, that they have a duty to be aware for purpose of support and such like… makes some sense… but they wouldn’t know **** if I didn’t open my mouth and I'm annoyed to find out post event.

edit: Company wide email just went round informing us that redundancies will be happening next week.

gets better and better