I suffer from SAD (social anxiety disorder) and reoccurring depression. I have been anorexic twice in my lifetime (almost died 2nd time around) because my ex broke up with me...so I felt extremely depressed and stressed. 1st time I was anorexic was when I was an infant (see below). I have difficulty with interacting with others (sometimes) and I have a fear of intimacy (getting close to someone) and getting attached. As a result, I sometimes isolate myself from people. I sometimes feel inadequate and awkward when I talk to people because I don't feel like I belong and I feel inferior to them. I'm often insecure because of this and have difficulty with maintaining relationships (including friendships)...since I have a fear of getting close or intimate with others (I feel that I can't trust them or I'd think that they'd dislike me) and that they'd abandon me even though I want to belong and be accepted. I have trouble expressing myself due to fear

Background info: Sometimes I feel numb because the pain is overwhelming. I was separated from my primary caretaker as a infant... My dad was the only person who took care of me (fed and bathe me), but he had to work. During the day my maternal grandmother looked after me, but she didn't attend to my needs (she didn't feed me). Eventually, my aunt noticed my declining health. According to my paternal relatives, I was a very cranky child. I lived with relatives for a few years, but sadly I do not remember those years. My mother would talk badly about them (she hated them), but as a child I didn't know that until my paternal relatives told me the truth--at the age of 17, I finally found the courage to question them; since I have no recollection of what occurred, I have to blindly trust them. I remember wanting to live with them when I was younger, but my mother would tell me that they didn't want me there. As a result, I felt unwanted, hurt, and sad. I chose to forget my early childhood (3-5 years). I barely remember being 5. I remember that I felt hurt. I also suffered from reactive attachment disorder as a child (but it was never diagnosed)--I had symptoms. She'd also threatened to send me to foster care...which made me feel unsafe, inadequate, and unwanted. These events have a huge impact on my attachment style because I become fearful when I become close or intimate with someone--I'd fear that they'd leave and dislike me. My mind becomes blank which makes it difficult for me to connect with people or I distance myself to avoid getting attached. Like most people, I want to be accepted and to belong somewhere. I'd have emotional breakdowns as a child. During my teen years-adult hood, I'd suffer from anxiety attacks. I was very sensitive to criticism, but I learned to numb myself to avoid the pain. I didn't tell a therapist (in detail) because the memories are extremely painful. I felt misunderstood and I didn't belong. I sometimes isolate myself because I feel like I don't belong and no one understands.