Hi there Bhugz,
I've been reading along over the days, even wrote a post but I lost it while getting back on line and didn't have time to rewrite it. None the less I feel your despondance.

Bhugz, I am not quiet, I can be quite loud even but essentially my beginnings were acutely shy and once beyond that my loud became a foil for the shy. Well into my adult life I would stress endlessly that people might take offense when I would comment. Interpretting their responses as them misunderstanding my intent. I would even, sometimes still do, apologise for myself before starting!!!! INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

I was the new kid at school and in the neighbourhood 8 times in my 12 years of school in 3 countries. (1972 - 1974 in your USA) Just to make adjusting extra effort I usually switched midway during a school year after friendship groups have formed. Nobody needed me, I needed them. I was regular geek material too, usually the youngest and biggest in the class till mid teens when the boys grew, 175cm by 14, with the most mixed accent. It was no picnic.

Kids can be insensitive, talking about you not to you. My Mum would say if people are talking about you you must be important! Sounds goofy I know but I would think that when I didn't want to feel crap about it. I had a nervous laugh too, a cover for my fear, better to laugh with than be laughed at. eh?

The important thing Bhugz is that we don't get caught up with the popularity thing. Much better to like being in your own skin than trying so much to fit into a group.

I got better at joining conversations by learning a few skills. Remember most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to others talk about themselves. It's very natural, most of us aren't listening much to a story, we are instead thinking about our own story their story prompted us to think about. If you move away from needing to contribute you can get into the act more easily. Ask people about themselves. "How did you feel about that?" "Wow! And what did you do then?" Folks love it and they will get off on you for being great to talk to!! Try it, it really works. Wait till invited to comment in return before offering a restrained story of your own. See the blood running from the side of my mouth.

You know Bhugz, just like a get fit regime the motivation comes once the results start showing. Till then you need effort. Effort to over come inertia or whatever is holding us back. The same goes for confidence. Life has so many chicken or the egg situations.

Confidence makes us attractive to others which builds our confidence. A lack of confidence does not attract others and so we ratify our inferiority through the experience. Effort. Yes effort, strategies, perserverence etc. Mostly know you do not get your worth from outside. Decide to like who you are and if you are realistic and inclined you will see there is plenty of stuff you can upgrade and work on that. Be comfortable in your own skin and your confidence will show and you will develop people magnetism. This is not ********.

Surely you have been in a relationship that's on the slide and you start to see attributes about the other you haven't noticed before and ....how much you don't like them. The inverse is true. You can meet a regular Jo and as you get to know them they look all the more appealling. Of note too, generally we like people that like us. Showing a subtle liking of others makes us likable. Be sure not to display lost puppy stuff though, not helpfull. Nor persistance in the face of another's displeasure. Don't expect everyone to respond. One in ten is pretty good odds. I figure I will meet and be charming to 9 deadshits before I trip over one sincerely compatible companion.

Remember, initially do not volunteer much of your own story except upon enquirey. Some folk will lap up the attention and never think to enquire about you, they really aren't the folks you will be wanting to hang with. Others will ask for your story/comment/opinion etc and if all goes smoothly you will develop a balance and probably a friend.

I repeat, ONE IN TEN is great going. You should be so lucky. Yes a 90% toss rate is standard so don't be despondant.

I don't mean to sound full of rah rah. I have been sick with anxiety about meeting and greeting people. I have left restaurants for 'some fresh air', coz I really think I'm screwing up big time. You know we do screw up sometimes, and we should forgive ourselves for it coz most everyone else has except us!!! BUT MOSTLY the screw up is in our own imagination where it grows beyond proportion. I fall into more holes that I dug for myself than any other. Holes that weren't even there but convinced I decided I should dig my way out off!!!????

Everything begets itself Bhugz. Money begets money, poverty begets poverty, misery begets misery. That's why you need the confidence mask. Fake it till you make it. But be real with yourself. Like your self and the rest will surely flow. We are only really victims of our own distorted thinking which then begets itself. BREAK THE CYCLE WITH EFFORT.

Make a new mantra

No one is better or more deserving of good things than me.

BELIEVE IT.

Don't be fooled, I have only come of age recently, that is I like myself and don't really give a rats whether other people do or not. I know I'm different from most and that makes it unlikely that my dance card will be full. I am happier knowing I'm OK. To me I'm OK.

I'll add the customary disclaimer coz I really am nutszo

If I am sick and they [the public at large] are well ....I don't want to be well.

Regards Frances.