Because I wanna be. Not literally, because I'm a little too old for that. But, if real life were like some Hollywood movie, and I woke up tomorrow at 17, I think I would do everything VERY differently. The opposite, in fact, like on that one episode of Seinfeld where George starts doing everything "the opposite" of his normal way, and his life suddenly turns around and all good things happen.

When I was a kid, I was weak, meek, nervous, and frightened out of my mind all of the time. Because of my dad, because of the way he abused me, kept me down, and made me feel like I was pathetic. And, of course, that translated into me acting that way with everyone. I never stood up to bullies or peers, was deathly afraid of authority figures, and I came to literally denounce and denigrate anything having to do with sports/athletics (because I wasn't allowed to participate, so it was my psychological way of coping). I spent most of my time reading books, and later working on early personal computers (late 1970s onward, they were really primitive by today's standards).

And, the thought of being in the military or doing something "brave" like being a cop or a firefighter or paramedic - no way, I was the timid little pup cowering in the corner, tail between legs, who would piddle when he got scared (not literally!). In fact, I used to have anxiety about being drafted, because I knew I wouldn't cut it if I were.

So, now I have this dream of being a "Warrior". Not literally, I'm kind of old for that. But, my personal vision of it. Not the macho jerk that is getting into bar fights and treating women badly. My personal vision of it involves sports - I'm getting into triathlons and also may try competitive cycling. I'm also taking boxing lessons, which is another way of connecting with that side of my self - and I'm at the point I'm developing some real force to my punches and some decent moves and reactions. And I do the outdoors thing when I can, hiking, mountain biking, skiing and snowshoeing, fishing.

I like how I look now - I have biceps and triceps and nice pecs and a decent start to six-pack abs. My waist is slim, my chest and shoulders are broad, I look pretty good dressed up or casual, better than I used to at least. Women never noticed me, women notice me now - I would by lying if I said I didn't like that, even if it does make me a little embarrassed.

Is it weird? Am I overcompensating for my past? Is this like some dumb "mid-life crisis" thing?