Storage will be selling my things just 1 hour from now. Another storage place I *was* planning to move out of amazingly enough is holding off til April until they sell. I don't know why--it's not like them. The other place already gave me chances--they even made an offer for me to pay just one month's rent (about $100) and I could move all my stuff out. I am actually behind at least 3-4 months. I didn't and still don't have that much in the bank. I think my bank account balance is actually negative right now, or about to be.

My car will be repo'd once the bank can find me. And all the stuff I have in it will be gone too because I won't have money to pay any fee's, nor any place to put it. Once they get the car, they will see it needs repair and I will still end up billed for a car I won't have. I am supposed to show in court on Monday, April 2nd for driving the car with no tail lights and one headlight out AND no insurance, which expired in December. I am still driving the car--now down to my last, and now less than 1/8 tank of gas--still no insurance, and little change in status of my lights. I bought replacement bulbs and tried to do it myself, got one side of the tailights of which one went out again shortly after. Everything had been wet from another homeless person (one who stole a key to my car a couple years ago) who had opened up my lights and filled them with water. I noticed the lights suddenly not flush to the car coming out of the library one day. I tail light I fixed, I had to use a pliers to get the bulbs out because they were corroded from the water and the bulbs broken inside the setting. I tried to fix the headlights but they were stuck and corroded from age and damage. Yet someone (again with a key to my car for access to under the hood, etc) mysteriously replaced one headlight for me recently. I have an idea that word is out from somone noticing in the paper that I have court on Monday because a lot of these other homeless people are reminding me that I have lights out on the car right now, and mentioning about that I could get tickets. Well I already have the dang citations, which is why I am supposed to go to court on Monday!

I don't know if I will go to court. For one, I am scared of legal stuff. For another, I am scared that my old stalker (the one who stole the key to my car two years ago) and/or other homeless will come to watch--and my PTSD seriously can't take that!!!! Another reason: I HAVE PTSD!!!!

I am in a serious place right now. Mentally, physically. The person from CAPS at DHS who was going to try and get DHS Rehab Services to open my case file hasn't been calling me on status. Last I heard the Rehab office *claimed* they had no record of me ever! (GRRR!)

One mental health place that does low-income I went to before and they CAUSED PTSD making it extremely hard if not impossible to work with them. I remember what my old caseworker there did to me before. I tried going back once or twice and neither time worked out.

I tried calling a housing program I was in once before even though I didn't really want to go back to them, but they clearly don't want me back--because I reported to my child's psychologist that kids were being abused there and I was concerned about bringing my kids there and seeing it. Soon as they learned about that, they banned my kids from visiting me there. You see, naturally if my daughter saw abuse and told her T, he would automatically have to report it and they would have been shut down. So they clearly don't want me back.

Another similar housing program won't take me because I have PTSD. Others say the same thing. PTSD is a barrier to keeping a full-time job, so no shelter for me. Yet others (other Not-for-(Your-)Profits) refuse me mental health or shelter because of where I "live"! I use a PO Box for mail, but I have no money to renew that, so that will be closed and locked April 1st. Or because I don't have my kids with me full-time, who are with their SOB father who caused my PTSD in the first place, and with their step-mother who both kids have admitted to me in the past that she has hit them. I did report it to my daughter's T.

I haven't even seen or talked to my kids recently because of my PTSD because my $!%# ex-husband and his B* wife started to put new and more restrictions on me seeing the kids in December--because of my financial situation. They already banned me from having overnight visits with my kids EVEN AT A MOTEL IF I HAD MONEY FOR IT, and I haven't had any overnight time with my kids in almost 2-1/2 years! In 2005 alone he kept them from me for a total of 6 months that year! So the new restrictions in December and even others that came after that, became a serious trigger. The last I saw the kids, he almost refused the visit because I was late--because I had chest pains from my heart problems!!!

The Adderall normally significantly helps with my cutting and type behaviors. Things are so far off balance with my moods right now, the Adderall is having a serious fight to keep me from doing things. I don't think I even belong outside of a psych unit right now. I might be able to do better if I had a place to go with all my things. If I had a closet, space to organize and try to work on my self and my situation. I have no idea where I am any more or where I am going. I am very afraid. My life, my things, my kids, my future--what will I do? Will I let myself have a future? Very scared.