It seems like all my threads I make here are about this sort of thing that I'm going to explain, but I guess this is what I signed up for - right? My other threads are in the aniexty parts of the forum, but I figured I'd post something here differently to see what this part of the forum thinks. Any way, I'll explain a back story here.

Back when I was a teenager I used to think my friend's Mom I used to stay the night over was hot (relatable, of course) but one thing I remember doing is when I was a teenager, I ended up coming across her panties and would pleasure myself with them. This was around the time when I first started masturbating and it stuck, at least for a bit, then I stopped. At least I thought I did.

Fast forward years later after my first girlfriend and I broke up, I was 21 when this happened. She played with my head a lot (got emotionally cheated on, etc) and I thought the best way to get revenge, without her knowing of course, was to pleasure myself with her sisters panties (who again, I thought were both hot). Understandably I was living a fantasy. Then that stopped, but it then picked up a following year after we broke up when my ex and I were still talking as friends and again...then I did it once again.

Then stopped. Then I dated another girl that same year (23) and not once did any of this bother me. Never phased me. But then she played with my head a lot as well (again, emotionally cheated on, etc) and I thought her sister was hot, so I did that once again to get revenge, I thought. And that's where I started to gain anxiety for the first time. I felt very guilty and shameful for my actions and beat myself up over it for a year. Then I got better, a lot better. And then didn't do anything that following year. I saw a therapist (who I'm still seeing now) and was on the road back to feeling normal again in my head.

Up until this year where I then was hanging out with my ex (the first girlfriend I mentioned, were still friends and keep in touch) she invited me over to help fix stuff on their computer. While she was out doing her thing, I then again, pleasured myself to their panties but immediately regretted that decision and went on like I never did it. And now I'm feeling the same actions I felt all over again.

The thing that eats me up, with my second ex I said to myself I wasn't going to do it again. That I was done with that sort of thing and I was getting better, but I feel like I took a big step back doing what I did again. And now I'm feeding things into my head that since it took about a year for myself to finally feel better about my situation, it's going to take another year and in my head I'm trying to look towards 2015 already so I can start fresh of not being this way. It east me up lately and I don't know.

I guess I obviously have a fetish for this sort of thing, but I have a hard time accepting it? Either that or the fact that I snoop and did this stuff with their private stuff eats up my character. I hate what I have done. I don't like what I do, but I guess when I feel horny and aroused and I'm in a situation like that, it happens. I just don't understand. I feel like crap.

I'm not sure what kind of responses I'll get here from anyone, but I just needed to get this off my chest either way. Thank you again for allowing me to post my thoughts here on this forum.